Conflict my heart

I'm a funny sort, middle ground is rarely found.

I'm the kind that plays for keeps. The kind that goes all in early on knowing that I could lose everything, but, somehow, after losing what I toss into the pile time after time I still go all in.

And, as much as there is a blessing living an all-in type of life, there is also the other side of my quirky self - the side of me that tries to avoid the full brunt of the pain of losing it all again by growing hard.

It forces a conflict in my heart - one that wavers from one extreme of trying to remain through familiar pain, a repeated cycle of loss, stoking the fire of my faith and hope to see the end of what I believe has been said and just not caring anymore and shutting my heart down.

How I have continued to love people when most have walked away, forgotten, and by their actions, or lack thereof, have shown me just where I have fallen as a memory in their life is beyond comprehension. It is one of the small miracles of God that cannot be discounted.

To continue to love when there is no reason my heart should even have a place of softness left, let alone to still go all in hoping that this time it will be different - a small miracle of infinite grace.

A prophet said to me a couple of years ago that I was not understood, and because of that I was very isolated. She told me that very soon I would begin having people around me who understood me and my isolation would not continue on.

I have just begun to enter in that phase in my life. It took over 3 decades, and two years of waiting for that prophecy to manifest, but its happening. I still cannot fathom how I have been able to not become a completely cynical and hardened 'lovely' human being.

There are still some realms in limbo, and I do still waver between all hope and saying to myself that I have to hold out, the end is worth the journey and f*it, I'm done - knowing that by doing that I could jeopardize all that I have wanted for my life, let alone the plans God has laid out.

Thankfully, the moments of conflict that hit my heart do not result in a final decision of 'I'm done', although sometimes it's hard. Hope and faith are not easy choices, not by far, but - they are the better choices - the right choices.

Believe at all costs - call things as if they are not yet in existence. The promises are sure, worth the heartache of waiting because when they do arrive, the revelation of their worth reveals the why the cost of the wait was so great.

Believe and Know- at all costs.