Leaving is Not Failure

The past months have taught me much, in stretching, sometimes painful ways.

I tend to operate with the driving notion that 'failure is not an option'. Sometimes it means I have to shift what my definition of 'success' is for something, but outright failure is never an option the way I'm built.

Sometimes failure can come from being too merciful, too empathetic, too gracious. When we strive so hard to keep the sins of others in our past from ruining what is in front of us at the time - even though all the red flags are there - we sometimes give too much grace to those who care not for us, in the end.

What has been taught as failure - walking away from an investment - has to be seen for what it truly is: a level of success.

While in the midst of trying to analyze and salvage the investment, the success is realizing that through it all, you still bring something incredible to the table. Success is seeing that the ones around you do not have that vision of who you are and therefore cannot truly maximize your presence in their life.

Failure is not backing away and marching on your own, as you always have; success is realizing that: Where purpose is not known, abnormal use (abuse) is inevitable; and it's time to stop living in a cycle that does not allow you to grow into a better person day after day.

Failure is not walking alone, again. And again. With no tribe or circle to surround you as some have. Success is isolating yourself away from the doubters, and those who do not invest in you enough for you to trust them with knowing your big dreams, your greatest triumphs and lows.

For when you know who you are, your dreams constantly in your vision, and every day you evaluate how you can take the next tiny step closer to execution of those - you learn how to become your greatest cheerleader.

And when the voice in your head is strong enough to tell the occasional gnawing doubt that creeps up that she's a bitch and needs to STFU as you march her back to the gates of Hell - success is protecting that wall of security that keeps other voices of doubt from creeping in. People can't attack or doubt what they are not aware of. And protecting that confidence in your vision and dreams to execute is paramount to staying the path of success.

Walking day to day with a slight IDGAF-what-you-think-of-me swagger to your step is not failure. It's years of pain, rejection, solitary life, obstinate will to live- and live well, awareness of who you were created to be, faith and resolve, and confidence coming alive that continues to make success each day possible.

Let the fire in your eyes keep those who talk big but are cowards away from you. Tis not failure to be willing to step up to those who want to challenge you when they support dream killing and injustices as normal. You cannot break under the pressure - that's failure.

But the success in that mentality is to still care, and give, and be empathetic to those around you that have yet to conquer the doubts, or have not yet learned who they could entrust with their dreams and those they thought were on their side only tried to crush them.

Success is being that trusted friend, where those around you can tell you their crazy dreams in safety, knowing that you will smile and nod, and ask them how they want to achieve it. Dive into their plans to see how sold they are on the dream, and cheerlead them on and rip to pieces the doubt they cannot defeat themselves.

Success is seeing them for who they are - and who they can be if they had that vision for themselves - and try to impart that to them until they themselves believe it. Or, revive that vision when the world has completely beaten them down to where basic survival is their only focus, and dreams are too painful to remember because they seem so unattainable at the time.

Success is being a builder of the strength and confidence in others. In giving them other perspectives that could still help them achieve their dreams. We as humans are born to create and imagine. Sometimes giving someone a new idea on how to achieve their desires can renew their plans enough that they will recognize the real road to success when it appears - because you helped them take their blinders off and made that alternate option possible to see.

There is one bit of failure that is wrapped up in the guise of patience - and that is waiting on people to get a glimpse of who you are.

At my age, either you know who I am, can see what I bring to the table, and understand how valuable and rare I truly am - or you don't. Those who do, make room and invest without reserve, without fear, without restraint.

As one of my dear friends put it - I am worthy of a swift and passionate declaration of love from others. And I believe it. Waiting for people to get that vision will chain you to a block of concrete at the bottom of the Hudson. And nothing good comes from that.

One of my previous supervisors told me long ago - if you just keep going and wait it out, everyone around you that's trying to hold you back and derail you will be gone. And he was right. Sadly, either he knew who I was and didn't care, or he never got the full idea of what I was capable of - because he ended up being in my way.

Success here was waiting it out as he advised. Because once he left, someone with greater vision of what I bring and have capacity to do came into my way and provided every ounce of support they could make happen. Sometimes success does take patience, but that doesn't mean you don't keep moving tenaciously forward while you wait for the walls around you that hold you back to fall.

Even previously free animals try to breech their chains and fences when put into captivity. They may never break through, but they died never stopping their attempts.

The other partial failure in letting go and walking alone is that others do make us better. The saying that when a woman is loved correctly she becomes ten times the woman she was - there is truth to that.

A woman multiplies what is given to her - which is why catty, bitchy, cutting women make life unbearable when you put them together. And yet - when you get strong, supportive, loving, visionary women together we are unstoppable. The same goes in friendships, marriage and life long partnerships.

But you lose that dynamic when you walk alone. Or when your closest friend(s) who provide this have died, or moved to where life separates you nearly 100%, or you live your life in such a way that you keep people in tight compartments and you refuse to make room for them in greater ways.

You wonder what you've lost in those moments. How much greater of a lover and friend and woman you would be if you still had those people in your life. And that hurts. And you mourn what you do not know, but you know it's worth mourning slightly. As is the loss of being able to share those great moments and multiply that joy and experience depth with another soul.

And when that feels a bit like failure, the perspective of what success truly looks like helps keep the faith, and the understanding that not all that looks like failure, truly is.

©Kristen Garcia 01-2020