Still looking up

A year ago I was on the brink of executing plans that I had run through my mind for several days, trying to make sure everything seemed as normal as possible to minimize any negative retaliation potential that existed.

I spent the entire weekend nervous that I would appear to have something wrong, but, in the end, my plans went as I had hoped and thankfully, my worst concerns for what could have happened never came to fruition.

But I didn't give myself a chance to heal. Co-dependency is a beautiful thing, until it isn't, and work is my favorite go-to for forgetting and refocusing extra energy when there is no one around me to pour my love into.

I re-evaluated things, set new focused targets on what to accomplish sooner than later, and a few months later found myself in a situation that made me realize that healing isn't just forgetting about things and plowing forward. Healing is healing and there was still pain I didn't realize existed until that moment and that it was going to have to be dealt with if I ever wanted to be whole enough to be what I needed for myself - let alone be what someone could need in their life.

I dove into the abyss of myself trying to root out where the pain still remained and how to eliminate it with something other than just a band-aid; all while diving deeper into work because I'm highly obsessed with being successful when my name is on the line. I wish it was yin and yang, but oil and water is more exact.

But I knew I was still not facing myself in the mirror like I needed to. I wasn't carving the time into life to really heal and mend as I needed to.

Taking half the summer off - especially Paris 100% by myself - was my forced timeout to reset and remember who I am without certain deep distractions that I constantly cling to like Linus and his blanket when all else fails.

A year later - life is better. Healing is always a process, and the past year has been a long one in many ways. But I'm trying. And hopeful. And always trying to be better, more balanced, and as whole as possible so I can offer the very best to those around me.

At the end of the day, we are worthy to do for ourselves the great lengths we would go for others. We just have to figure out what that is going to look like and how to achieve it.

I still have no idea what I'm doing with that concept. I may never lock that down. But trying is the only way to figure it out, and I keep my eyes on the idea of what metamorphosis is in process.

©Kristen Garcia 04-2020